This is a post overdue from Thanksgiving. Yeah, Glasgow is great. But still, there are just times when I think, God bless America.
Here are Scotland’s unforgivables:
1. Bathrooms
Bathrooms here just make a lot less sense. First of all, the sinks always involve two separate faucets for hot and cold water, so your hands are always either freezing cold or covered in first-degree burns. Apparently the idea is that you can put the plug in and make a washbasin for your face. Which is a good idea, since the bottom of sinks are dirtier than toilet seats. Can’t you make a washbasin with one adjustable faucet anyway?
Also, the urinals don’t have walls. Which is fine—it boasts confidence in the Scotsman’s ability to pee in the presence of another man without freezing up. But are they really that confident? I’ve seen lines queue up with the middle stall open. Really, Scotland? You’re going to waste that middle stall? I’d take it, but there’s no wall. And believe me, I freeze up next to kilts.
2. Hydration
People don’t drink water here. They drink beer and whiskey. But that’s not my gripe—my gripe is that sometimes you can’t afford anything more than tap water. And here’s the thing: nobody refills your tap water. You know those guys in America whose only interest—whose only job, it seems—is to hover over your shoulder, shaking that ice-filled pitcher until you sip just enough of your water to call your glass half-empty. Why is there never a happy medium here?
And this reminds me—nobody believes in ice here. And tea? It’s flavored water, folks. You want a break or a chance to wake up, drink some coffee. Jeez.
3. Weather
What’s with the weather in the UK, anyway? It’s like the place where all the rainclouds come to relax. Even the sunny days are bookended by drizzle. The UK is more northern than New Hampshire—and yet this rain never turns to snow. And the wind...unbelievable. My mother once said that when it rains, God is peeing on us. If this is true, I don’t doubt he’s also breaking wind in Glasgow.
4. Everything is smaller
And I mean everything. Cars, buildings, streets...the one that really gets me is food. Why such small portions, folks? You eat just as much crap as Americans do—why not embrace it? SUPERSIZE those fish & chips, will you? Bring me seconds of those eggs and bangers! And for God’s sake, make my buffet all-you-can-eat. I’m paying twice as much; I might as well leave full.
It’s part of this ‘Green’ obsession over here—this holier-than-thou, let’s conserve everything mentality. Must be some leftover royalist sentiment.
I don’t want switches on my outlets—I want constantly flowing, uninhibited rivers of energy flowing through my wall! I want all my electronics fully charged, at ALL times! I want the pressure of my showerhead to scratch my body, it’s so strong. I don’t want to walk up stairs! I want to be taken everywhere by an elevator, or an escalator, or a moving sidewalk…something.
And where are all the drivethrus, speaking of food??
5. The pedestrian culture
Let me explain something that has been really irking me lately. You’re walking down the sidewalk, minding your own business, when you see someone coming your way on the same side. It’s pretty crowded, and you’re a reasonable, liberty-loving individual. So when you see this guy coming, you move over a little bit to the left side of the walk. As you get closer, you continue to wait for some sort of reciprocation. THERE NEVER IS. I don’t know how people don’t constantly walk into each other here—they simply refuse to move, more content to ram their shoulder into your sternum than to move two lousy feet to the right.
And you gotta watch the edge of that sidewalk, because cars here don’t stop for pedestrians. And don’t think you’re going to see them coming, because THEY’RE DRIVING THE WRONG WAY! Yep, that’s how they get ya. That’s a disaster waiting to happen. One false step without a look, and you’re human haggis. And let’s be honest folks, nobody likes haggis. Not even the Scottish.
I’m putting this out there for YOU, Scotland. It’s for your own good—these aren’t unreasonable gripes. And it’s not like you’re not watching all of this happen twenty-four hours of the day through the millions of cameras you’ve installed everywhere. You know what’s going down.
Americanize a little bit, guys. It won’t hurt.
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Phew. That felt good.
Happy Belated Thanksgiving.
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